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Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Review: Thief - Stealing Your Money

By: Anthony Accinelli

I'm not afraid to admit that I haven't beaten Thief yet. I'm on the eighth and final chapter and honestly don't know if I'm going to finish the campaign. While I'm typically game to play and defeat even the most terrible of games, Thief might be the exception to this rule.

It really is that bad. Soul crushingly, depression-inducing bad. 

And before you go off in the comments section about how it's only terrible because I'm not good at it, or how I didn't play the game the "right way", take the time to actually read my complaints. Then maybe, just maybe, we can discuss how you feel about it.

The story of Thief is as follows. You play as a thief (of sorts) who is looking for his dead girlfriend. You'll romp around the darkened streets of the same damn neighborhood, incessantly talking to yourself and never progressing any plot points. As previously mentioned, I'm on the final chapter and honestly nothing has happened.

Actually, that's not entirely true. Spoiler alert: there are soulless, gollum-like creatures that can see in the dark. Which seems a bit odd being that you're a thief who is supposed to hide in the dark. Even the developers of Thief didn't like the direction the first six chapters were going.

Then there's the game mechanics themselves. Horrendous at best, rage-quit-causing at worst. Being that everything is contextual you'll find yourself having severe difficulties at times. Whether it's not jumping far enough, jumping too far, or not jumping at all, Thief will certainly have you questioning your sanity. It's not just in the jumping portions where Thief falls flat on its face though. The AI is either dumb as a box of dicks or absolute geniuses and you'll never know which one of the two they'll be. One moment you'll be sneaking around enemies with the slightest of ease, the next they'll notice you from across the map.

Which wouldn't be a problem if the combat wasn't such a cluster. You can dodge and attack up close or fire arrows from afar. None of them working all that well, especially arrows which outside of headshots will require 4-5 body shots to take down an enemy. If at any point you find yourself in combat with more than one enemy you're most likely going to die.

"Exactly noob. That's why you sneak around and don't fight". I know this, but as I just mentioned, you can't always help this because the AI has no rhyme or reason. Also, if fighting is going to be an option, at least give me the ability to do so. Don't throw me into shark infested waters without a weapon. Not cool bro. Not cool.

Despite all my grievances, and trust me there are more than what I just wrote, Thief does have a few great features. For example, some of its puzzles are very well designed. Also, running around the dark corridors stealing everything in sight certainly satisfies the kleptomaniac inside of me. It's just too bad the world is so drab, making exploration an absolute chore. While I'd like to search every nook and cranny in hopes of finding another pair of gold scissors, I really don't want to search another desk right now.

Scores are out of 100 and are meant
to be taken very seriously
Also puzzles take up less than a percent of the total experience. For a game titled Thief there is such little time spent thieving it borders on insanity.

Actually, you know what, I'm done writing this review. Poorly written story, horrible gameplay mechanics, and framerate issues make this one of the worst PS4 titles available.

See image below for a much better way to spend $59.99...

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